Comrade Dobby's Report
by Ambiguity in D Major
Summary: Or, the H.E.A. Begins Preparations for the Coming War. Rated K for god-awful House Elf speech. One-shot that may be continued with more one-shots.
1. Comrade Dobby's Report

**Greetings one and all! Readers, minions, and various government spy agencies! I am here to bring you a short story that has nothing to do with Shadows' Shadows! WOOHOO!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I make no profit from writing. As is obvious, because if I owned Harry Potter, I would totally publish all my strange little stories and make millions off of my die-hard fans. **

**PS: Please recognize that if you didn't get it from the summary, this story is 70% crack, 20% boredom, 5% what goes on in my mind when I'm bored, and 5% the absolute, unadulterated truth***

**PPS: For those of you who can't tell due to the fact you have trouble reading through your tears of mirth, this is set during Fifth year.**

**PPPS: Also, I wish to add that I in no way support a Communist Revolution of the Lower Classes. And while you all chew on that little tidbit…**

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

"Can you do that, please, Dobby?"

Harry watched with amusement as the overdressed little house elf nodded so fast his ears flapped wildly.

"Oh yes, Dobby can certainly, for the great Harry Potter Sir Dobby can definitely do what the great Harry Potter Sir asks of him, absolutely!"

The teenaged wizard and his friends managed to hold in their laughter at Dobby's enthusiasm until after he popped away. Hermione frowned disapprovingly at Harry and Ron's antics.

"Not that I don't think asking him to find somewhere to hold the meetings was a good idea, but you don't have to make fun of him like that."

Between chuckles, Ron waved a dismissing hand at Hermione.

"Oh, shove off, Hermione. The little bugger's going to be zooming around the castle looking everywhere for the great 'Harry Potter Sir', and you know he's going to be enjoying every second of it. Can't help it we find him funny."

The witch huffed, not satisfied with the answer.

"Still, when you laugh at him, it makes me feel like we're taking advantage of him. He isn't smart enough to see that you're making fun of him, Ron, and so it's rude to laugh at him."

Meanwhile, in the Room of Requirement, also known as the Come and Go Room, also known as the Grand Demon Ritual Chamber, a meeting was being held.

A very old house elf stood at the bottom of an amphitheater, filled with low benches all facing the center. Other House Elves sat patiently on said benches, watching with rapt attention as Beardy called for order.

"It be good to see you alls again. Beardy wishes to say a few words, then he shall allow Comrade Dobby to give his report."

Instantly, all motion stopped as three hundred and five eyes fixed themselves on the Elf who popped into existence next to Beardy. Beardy cleared his throat, a sound that was akin to a squeaky toy being stepped on, and continued.

"The preparations under Comrade Shanky are going to plan. As of last Sunday, we be having enough pitchforks and torches to outfit two hundred Elfs." He paused to let the clapping die down. "Also, according to Comrade Blinky, his cover is intact, and none of the students suspect him."

A hand was raised in the middle of the crowd. Beardy acknowledged the Elf.

"Yes, Comrade Tatsy?"

The Elf in question stood up so as to be seen and posed a question to the elder.

"What be we doing with the Charmy Professor that Comrade Blinky be replacing?"

Beardy nodded. This one had foresight. Perhaps she should be shuffled into the Plotting Division?

"Professor Flitwicky will be assigned to the Dungeon Crew, and will be taking re-education courses with Comrade Thinky's division. Once he be re-educated Comrade Blinky can come back for another job."

Tatsy, satisfied by this explanation, nodded once and sat back down.

Beardy exchanged words with Dobby, then stepped aside and let him take the floor. Dobby took a breath, and began his debriefing.

"Harry Potter and his friends still don't be suspecting Dobby. They be wanting to find a room to practice spells away from the Toady Professor. Dobby suggests we can let them use the Come-And-Go Room to watch what they be learning."

The room was sent into a clamor as the Elves all began to voice their opinions on Dobby's idea, on the Toady Professor, on Harry Potter and his friends, and on which Board of Governors official they should have re-educated next. This went on for thirty seconds before Beardy stood up again and silence was immediately restored.

"Thank you. Can we please has a vote on the subject of letting Harry Potter use the Come-and-Go Room?"

Hands were raised, hands were sat upon, hands were forcefully pulled out from under their owners' bottoms and pushed into the air. Eventually, a vote was taken. The majority was in favor of sharing the Come-and-Go Room. The vote was recorded, and Beardy moved to the next piece of business.

"Now, who is the liaison to Comrade Lovegood this month?"

**There will be follow up stories if I feel like it. But it seemed like such a good place to leave off. And frankly, you all can imagine the rest yourselves. Until I smash those imaginings with the sledgehammer of an update.**

**Ta!**

**-Ambiguity**

***Seriously****.**** When you ****think ****about**** it, the whole House Elf slavery thing makes zero sense. Given the Wizarding attitude towards anything vaguely threatening their supremacy, why do they keep beings that can nullify all of their magic, pop through wards, and act wandlessly in their homes? Now, be honest. How many of you just scrolled back up to see where I put the footnote?**


	2. Comrade Pinky's Report

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I owned Harry Potter, Comrade Dobby would still be alive. Approximately 7 part-goblin Professors were hurt in the making of this fanfic.**

**And yeah, I said it was a oneshot. I lied. This is now designated as just a crackfic that gets updated irregularly.**

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

* * *

It was a bouncing and cheerful Filius Flitwick that greeted his students on Tuesday. Basically, a normal Charms class.

"Good morning, students! Today, we shall be learning a charm called the 'House Elf Suppression Charm'! It can be used in all sorts of circumstances, such as if all the House Elves in the Wizarding World suddenly rose up in a glorious Communist revolt against their human overlords!"

A miscellaneous student spoke up.

"That seems like a really specific and contrived circumstance, Professor."

Flitwick ignored the student, and proceeded to demonstrate the wand movements for the House Elf Suppression Charm.

As the students filed out of the room at the end of class, Hermione could be heard loudly disapproving of such a cruel charm.

"I suppose that it's because of Umbridge. She gets rid of Dumbledore and suddenly we learn a new curriculum that happens to be about suppressing minorities. I don't believe in the coincidence." With this statement she scowled over at where said professor was speaking to Professor Flitwick.

"I mean honestly, they're perfectly decent and harmless beings! We shouldn't be enslaving them in the first place, much less be learning charms to hurt them further!"

Ron shook his head at his friend's naïveté.

"Didn't you hear the Professor, Hermione? The only reason we'd need the charm is if the House Elves started attacking people. It's not like we're going to be using it on every House Elf we see."

Hermione frowned in thought.

"I suppose you're right," she conceded.

* * *

Draco Malfoy smirked nastily and pointed his wand at the unsuspecting House Elf.

"_House Elf Empowerifico!"_

Instantly the House Elf stopped what it was doing and sat down on the ground, hugging its knees and crying silently. The Slytherin laughed and moved on to the hundreds of other Elves in the kitchens. Soon enough, he had them all sobbing on the floor.

After a few seconds of enjoying his power rush, he walked out of the portrait hole and back down to the Slytherin Common Rooms. The elves, upon his departure, got back up, dusted themselves off, and went back to work.

And if one could scour pans smugly, then they would be doing so in just such a fashion.

* * *

The Room of Requirement was once again filled to the brim with House Elves. A large whiteboard displaying complex battle maneuvers and the recipe for Winky's hundred-proof Butterbeer was centered behind the podium. And then, as one, the Elves ceased their talking as Comrade Beardy took the podium.

"Greetings, comrades. Beardy hopes you is all well?" A general affirmative was given.

"Good, then on to business. Comrade Thinky's plan was a complete success, and the reports from the Kitchen Staff have all been positive. Professor Flitwick will resume his duties as soon as our Comrades in re-education can get him to stop sobbing uncontrollably."

There was a cheer, even though many of the Elves had already heard what had occurred from the Kitchen Staff.

"Secondly, our efforts to establish connections with the Elves of other Houses have met success. Comrade Pinky, will you take the floor."

The Elf known as Pinky stood nervously in the gaze of the entire population of Hogwarts' House Elves.

"Pinky be getting messages to the Old Pureblooded houses that still be keeping Elves. Cause Pinky isn't really a Hogwarts Elf, she can be leaving the school. The Malfoy Elves, the Parkinson Elves, the Nott Elves, the Smith Elves, and a few from the minor lines all be in agreement with the Comrades of Hogwarts."

An enormous cheer echoed throughout the room. Pinky blushed furiously and looked down at her feet. Unable to stand the incredible amount of attention, she silently snapped her fingers and popped away.

Beardy took the podium as Pinky reappeared in the crowd.

"Thank you. Now, Comrade Inky wishes to inform us that the ultimatum is nearly halfway finished, and shall be delivered to all major parties within the month."

"And finally, we would like the Toad Removal Squad to report on their efforts these last few weeks."

* * *

**I got bored. Thus resulting in another chapter. YAY.**

**Not enough time really to write another one for Shadows, though. Shame about that.**

**And it's not that I really have anything against Professor Flitwick. He's just short and squeaky already, so therefore the logical target for replacement by House Elf.**

**Bye!**

**-Ambiguity**


End file.
